Penny-Watch: Day Five

Well, Penny is five days old now, and Laura and I are beginning to learn the critical lessons of parenthood (with some help, of course—THANK YOU JUDY AND ROSIE!!). Here’s a list of some of the basics, so far:

1. It is not okay to repeatedly refer to your daughter’s “Cradle ‘n Swing” as “The Imperial Scout Walker”…no matter HOW similar they look.

2. If you think that the amount one feeds a child must be equal to how much she poops, you have never been a parent. Newborns are immune to 98% of the Laws of Physics. Just like Kid ‘n Play’s hair and Michael Bolton’s career.

3. If there is any doubt that your child is yours, just wait until she farts. You’ll know.

4. No matter how tempting it may be, it is never, EVER acceptable to giggle at the following terms:

a. “Breast(insert suffix)” – any form or use of this word is WAY outside giggle-allowable territory.
b. “Poopy”
c. “Mucus Plug”
d. “Booger”

5. Don’t worry about dogs being upset by baby’s arrival. As soon as the pooches discover the endless river of poop and dropped food that is produced by your new “hairless puppy,” dog and child will be inseparable pals.

6. Baby stuff has gotten WAY crazier since I was a kid. I had a box and a stick. I would play a game called “Hit the Box with the Stick.” It was pretty sweet. But the rules were pretty complicated.


7. It is okay to let babies cry occasionally. They tire themselves out this way. Moms: your job is to freak out while your baby cries. Dads: your job is to bungee down your wife (to something bolted down! Chairs/dressers will not work! Learned this the hard way…) and be prepared to administer a mild sedative as necessary. Be sure to check out the following sites 3-4 weeks before your due date.
http://www.bungeeco.com/
http://www.texasdart.com/site/629477/page/45029

8. No matter how hard you try, your daughter will not be able to tell the difference between and Boeing 737-400 from a Boeing 737-800. Kids are stupid this way. Expect them to be at LEAST two weeks old before they can tell the difference.
vs.

9. Puke. Get used to it.

10. I don’t care if your kid is an honors student. Mine can poop WAY more often than yours.

I’m sure there will be more lessons to come (like “Boyfriends will consent to full searches and polygraphs before transiting the front porch”), but this should get us through the first week or two. More soon!

TJ, Laura, Penny, Gus and Blue